I might regret this post later, or later on in life, but I feel that I am really unhappy right now. I am so stressed out, and just all around irritable. Everything annoys me right now, the sound of my husband moving around the house, the sound of cars on the road doing what cars doing, the smell of fried egg from the kitchen, the amount of lights from the sun outside. This prompt…
I just felt like I am brimming with anxiety and… something that is like hatred but not quite. Does that even make sense?
My fingers are not feeling so stiff and it is so hard to type at all. I do not know if this is because of the work I have been doing for these last couple of days, or because of the drinking I had last night. And yes, I am back to alcohol, and even though for now it seems like it is very much controllable, I can see in the future that I will rely a lot on nicotine and alcohol again.
Maybe I won’t be able to cope this time.
I genuinely think that there is nothing bright to see in the future ahead of me.
I told my husband already, that I am so unhappy that I am now turning to cigarettes and alcohol again. And I told him that when I die of either liver cirrhosis or lung cancer, he should tell my parents that this is due to them pressuring me to go to work when I am not ready to do so. It is petty, but I don’t want to be the only one dying pathetically.
I tried though…
I found a job where I can work with people who I actually like. And the work that I can actually be proud of. A job where I can have enough rest, and enough hours to make it worthwhile, and yet… I am feeling incredibly miserable.
You gotta work to feed the soul
I’m Not Superman – Lazlo Bane
I think that quote is a total bullshit. I do not find meaning in working, or a sense of achievement, or anything that actually be nourishing to my soul. Or at least not now when all I want is to go to sleep, and rest.
Right now I am so drained and I only worked less than half the time I used to work to. I cannot wait the days when I have to work full time and becoming like every chefs I know – miserable, drunk, and dying.
I cannot wait to die.